….the rock that is the first eight weeks of baby bee’s (a.k.a. Mira Ruby Shariff Lalji)  life, that is.  Someone asked me the other day how it feels to have a baby and I responded that it is so much more amazing, but so much tougher than I ever thought it would be.

But the last eight weeks has been a whirlwind  of feeding, burping, spit up (lots of it), diapers, explosive poops, colic, gas, a baby cold, visits from both grandmas and a good friend, Mira’s first smile, hormonal melt downs (mine), learning to bath a baby (she loves it!), cradle cap, developmental play (influenced by one of the grandmas), swaddles (life savers), gripe water, Raffi songs, downloading ocean sounds to replicate the placenta, burping to music, excitement over fitting into pre-pregnancy clothes, disappointment at the muffin top, half finished sentences and phone conversations (mine), retiring of the blow dryer, the rhythmic sound of the breast pump at 6:30 in the morning, insane amounts of laundry, how could I miss out the lack of sleep, cute little baby clothes, figuring out how the stroller works, baby massage, sleeping while the baby is sleeping (yeah, right.), worrying about breast milk, reading all the books by baby experts (too bad the babies don’t read the books, then it would all fit the description, right?), doing the dance of victory when she finally falls peacefully asleep, trying a schedule, scrapping the schedule…

…and watching this perfect creature find her way in her new space one day at a time, falling madly in love with this little girl even though we have only known her for two months, and knowing that no matter how many hormonal melt downs I have left (and trust me, they are dramatic!), it is amazingly worth it.

And all this from the girl who said she wasn’t interested in having babies.  For the very first time in my life, I will admit that I was wrong   What a fabulous, crazy adventure this is going to be!

Mira, two weeks old

After 6 attempts to write a post this morning, interupted by some serious gas and spit up, the early end of a nap, more spit up, a hungry baby bee and a yellow poop diaper, I finally did it!  This can only mean that things are looking up…. (and I was even out of my pyjamas before noon today!)

I read this article in The Economist about Teach First, an organisation that is trying to get “high flyers” to get into teaching, since a think tank has found that the kind of people that go into teaching are often the students that did not do very well at univeristy.  Not always true…I have taught with amazing super teachers in the last 6 years.  But then again, I have also taught with people who thought they could sail through the day without much work.

Teach First provide a six week program to train these high flyers and then send them into the classroom.  Not just any old classroom; some of the hardest to teach areas in England.

“As Teach First becomes better known, teaching will start to be seen as a job for ambitious go-getters,” the article says.

If you could spend one day in a school in an inner London borough, you too would agree that only ambitious go-getters need apply.  So not all the teachers out there are from the bottom of the heap.  There are so many out there changing the world one child at a time. I know many super teachers who work hard with children who have been labelled “hard to reach”.

Okay, on the whole, I totally agree with the idea that teaching programs should be vigorous and demand respect from the students and at the moment, not many post secondary institutions are demanding this from their graduates and teachers are going out into the field unprepared to teach.

The teaching program I did in university was not challenging enough for the students and did not really prepare me for the real life job of teaching, especially in teaching hard to reach students.  That I learned on the job from the staff and students at a very special school in East London.  The profs in my program had been out of the classroom so long that they could not support us in any practical way – they simply stuck to outdated theory.  I had only one prof who challenged us.  She gave tough assignments and was still in touch with the type of children we were meeting in the classroom.  It was obvious that she was up to date with recent developments and studies in the field and was eager to share and discuss them with us.  She also had high academic expectations of us.  If we couldn’t make it past her practical and academic challenges, well then, we had to take the course again.  That did weed out the students who were there for an easy pass.

I have had two student teachers in my classroom in the last six years of teaching.  The first, did not deserve my beautiful children.  She was not inspired, she was not up the the academic standard that they deserved and she had little respect for all the work that really goes into providing a positive classroom experience for children.  The second student teacher I had was a student at another university and was intelligent and inspired to teach.  She planned exciting, creative and educational lessons for the children, while at the same time completing a challenging academic program at her university.  I learned lots from her too.  She is now teaching at an inner london school and doing a great job, I am sure.  But the difference between the two students was too great.   The first one should not have been in the field at all and the second will make a difference to the children she teaches.  They were both at different univeristies, so it is clear that there is no consistency regarding the expectations of students who wish to be teachers.

Unfortunately if we have teaching programs that are wishy washy, the profession is never going to attract the best candidates.  And as a teacher, not only do I want to be around other strong teachers who care and teach at the best standard to work with and learn from, I also want this for my child and all the other children I have and will be teaching.  I want the cream of the crop for my colleagues and for my children (the ones I teach and the one I am carrying!)

Why are we waiting for an outside organisation to train teachers? Why can’t the universities provide inspirational teaching and leadership in a program?  Why can’t they prepare students to teach just as this Teach First program is doing, with relevant techniques and support from teachers who are really in the field?  I have always wanted to be a teacher – I want to teach in the areas that are the hardest to teach and I can do it.  I just wish that my university had prepared me a little better and treated me like a “high flyer” just like Teach First is doing.

People always say that teaching is a “noble” profession (which is not the way you feel after a day of teaching a class of 30 children, covered in paint and that white school glue, let me tell you), well then universities should make a better job of preparing us and sending a message to the world that teaching is challenging and important and may only the best apply, please.

The latest Vanity Fair had F and I in a serious debate about paper vs digital.  James Walcott was wondering what would happen to all those culture snobs out there if we all started reading books on digital readers or on our phones.  And I must admit, I am one of those people who are interested in what other people are reading on the Tube, in the park, at the train station and at home…and yes, sometimes I do make assumptions about them based on what they are reading, I admit it!

I mean, when I first met F, I liked him and thought he was interesting, and as my friend Y and I  discussed if he was boyfriend material, she mentioned an important point; one day she had seen him reading The Economist.  Well, he scored points on that, I tell you.  He must know about the world, he must have ideas and opinions to discuss if he was reading that magazine, we thought to ourselves.  And points were scored for F (among other things, but this showed me something about him that I had not realised yet).

Okay, so while I don’t really like the idea of digital readers because I can’t be nosy and see what other people are reading, I also think that it is taking some of the experience of reading away from us.  Remember that first chapter book you ever read and the  that familiar smell of a library book that has been enjoyed by people before you…the creases of the page that tell you that someone else curled up on the sofa with this book and loved it as much as you did.  Or the the feel of the fresh spine on a new book waiting to be discovered and then the satisfying feeling of seeing it on your shelf as one of the chosen favourite books …is that really the same thing as tapping a screen to move to the next page or opening a file to read The Book Thief? A book shelf at someone’s home tells you about who they are, what they care about, what makes them happy and where they have been in life.  I love being able to see that from my bookshelf and from other people’s.  If everything is digital, where will we share this aspect of ourselves?  On a play list?  On the book apps on Facebook?

While I do think that we (including me) will end up having digital readers the same way that we have ipods and cell phones – because this is the future and no-one wants to get left behind, I don’t think that digital readers are ever going to replace the way I feel about books.  So, yes, I will take a Kindle on holiday so that I don’t have to lug three books with me in my carry-on, but it will never replace all the read, re-read and loved books on my shelf.

And just think, if F had been reading The Economist on his phone instead and Y had never seen it, who knows how the story would have turned out!

“Attention is the most concrete expression of love. What you pay attention to thrives. What you do not pay attention to withers and dies.”

Karen Maezen Miller

This is what Momma Zen said on her blog and I love it.  You have to pay attention to stuff, whether it is the cake baking in the oven, a child in a classroom, your laundry, your family and friends…all of these things and people need you to pay attention to them.

This is a funny time for me.  I am finished school for the summer and instead of going back in September, I will be meeting our baby.  I feel a little scared, a little excited and very curious as to how this is all going to be.  I have always thrown myself into my work and my classroom and it has kind of become who I am.  I am a little worried about what “I” will be without it for a while.    Growing up, I always visualised being a teacher, not a mother, but now, I will be learning to be a mother.  I am sure that this new journey will bring lots of things for me to learn and will add more dimentions to what “I” am made of,  but it feels so new and undiscovered that I have to admit, I am very nervous.

Nervous about how to be a mum, but also nervous about not being a teacher and losing that really important part of who I am.  But then I read the post by Momma Zen.

I make a big deal about giving all my students attention in the classroom.  The same attention, but different for each child.  This is what I think helps them grow from shy little seeds into big strong beanstalks.  My teaching assistant in London, (who taught me so much about being a teacher) calls this attention TLC.  Attention matters to me.  When the children feel secure and happy, it is only then that they can really engage in creating a classroom community and take part in learning.

But thinking about this, I needn’t feel lost because I guess now is the time to pay attention to my own little baby.  She needs attention so that she can grow and thrive.   So after giving all my attention to lots of children over the last six years, which I have loved and will absolutely return to,  I think I will take a little time to give attention to the sunflower in my own belly and see what I learn from that!

P.S. I have planted sunflower seeds on the balcony.  And they are still alive.  Yay!  Fingers crossed I can keep them growing until the flowers start to bloom

Yes, we are in the third trimester!  I can’t believe how fast time has passed.  That unbelievable moment of seeing two lines on the pee stick seems like a lifetime ago.  It has been a good ride so far.

First trimester was a whirl of insane hormones and extreme sleepiness. Not a good combination, especially in a new country and so far from all my friends and fam – so you could say I was really happy to be done with the first three months!

But the last three months have been lots of fun.  I felt great and the crazy hormones melted away when the happy hormones really kicked in!  The idea of the two of us becoming three started to sound more exciting and we even started buying baby clothes!  My bump looked cute (although my butt seemed to grow along with it!  The midwife says that big bums mean good breast milk, but  I think she is just trying to make me feel better!)  The baby started to kick and even more fun was when F felt her for the first time.  It made us happy  that some old school hip hop was playing on the TV and that was the first time we really felt her dancing for her life!  Thank goodness she will have some good music taste   And I loved it when F could feel the baby too.

And now we are in the home stretch.  Wow!  Feeling excited to soon meet this little person who has been using my body as her private condo for the last 6 months and who will continue to make herself comfortable in the next 3.  Being pregnant hasn’t been the drama that I thought it was going to be and even my expanding body has not freaked me out as much as I thought it would.  Doing yoga and keeping active has been amazing for me.

But that was before we hit third trimester and the blazing hot summer in Switzerland!!  Thank goodness for the lake and outdoor swimming pools! But we are going the Montreux Jazz Festival to see Q-tip, Raphael Saadiq, Mos Def and Lilly Allen, taking the train to Paris, good friends are coming to visit and I have 2 months off all to look forward to!

Still on the hunt for a cool diaper bag…I’ll let you know the adventures of finding a diaper bag another day.  I know you can’t wait for that

This is a message I got from one of the kids in my class last year.   It just made me laugh!   Remember its East London lingo.  Try not to look at the spelling or the fact that I was her teacher last year (I promise you, she does know how to spell in real life!).

Context:  She had heard a rumour that I was coming to visit school, but didn’t believe anyone until she had emailed me to see if it was true.  This message was received after my visit when they saw me 5 months pregnant for the first time.

u dd come to our school

i ddnt believe ppl

well its gd to see yooh

yooh hav gone bare fat

anywayz cya =]

Glossary (for those of you who don’t hang out with kids from the E1W:

Bare
	Means Loads of something. “I’m BARE Tired, or I’ve Got Bare Cash”

I just came back from the residential trip with my school.  It was beautiful and I really enjoyed the nature walk that we went on in the mountains.  Switzerland is stunning in the summer time.

Morgins, Switzerland

One of the little girls in my class, F is from Sweden.  She is a fair skinned, blond haired, blue eyed, soon to be knock-out beauty.

We chatted about life, family and of course, the baby, who by the way is making herself very well known by kicking her hands and feet everytime I sit down.  We can see the little ripples across my stomach if we watch carefully!  Anyway, F was asking about names and so I told her some of the ones we have in mind and she gave her honest opinion which is what you always get from kids.  That is why I like to work with them.  There is no beating about the bush like there is with adults sometimes.

So F turns to me and says, “Ms B, is your husband brown like you?

“Yes, he is.”

“Oh that is good.  So that means the baby is going to be all brown too.”

“Yes…”  wondering where she is going with all this….

F’s little face burst into a huge smile, “Oh, Ms B, I just love brown babies.  They are so cute, you know.  I am so happy that you will have a brown baby.”  And with that, she wandered off to join her friend a few steps ahead of us, leaving me to comtemplate cute brown babies.

P1010559, originally uploaded by shireenbee.

I could tell you about the scenery and the wonderful food, but you know that about Italy already and you can browse the pictures, but instead I will tell you this….

As we walked down the cobble stoned streets of Florence after dinner, we heard the distinct sound of a kazoo, spilling out the notes of Solo Mio…Looking up we saw a guy, probably a little tipsy, hanging out the window, playing his kazoo for all he was worth. Everyone on the street below whooped and applauded the random performance, as if it were something that happened every night in Florence! We all continued on to the place we had been going to before the kazoo had given us all an opportunity to share a smile.

I realised why I love Italy so much. It is because the people there are real. On the street you see people expressing themselves. For as many times that you see a woman telling off her man in loud, angry words, you see a couple locked in perfect PDA. The men are beautiful and well dressed and the women have real bodies and big hair that they show of with confidence.

And of course, F and I did manage to find a beach in the south that was totally deserted (just like the one in Portuagal!). If you are lucky, I’ll tell you where to find it!!

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.”   Anais Nin

I just liked this quote and thought you would too.  Anais Nin just had a way of putting things that helps me remember that it is okay to still be finding my way.

In the UK, Year 6 children have to sit their SATs exams.  They are really important for the school because the government publishes the results in league tables that show how well the school is doing.  The tests are used in Secondary School to level the children.

So you can see that the tests end up being quite stressful for the children and the teachers.

That is the downside of teaching Year 6, but the upside is, when you go through such a stressful year with a group of kids and you manage to pull them through their exams, witness their first steps into adolescence and take them on their first residential trip, you end up building quite a special bond with your class.  And that is why I loved teaching Year 6.

But that is not what I wanted to write about.  This is what I wanted to say.

There was a little girl called N in my class.  She was just the most unique child and would never be anyone but herself.   She was cool, fun and dressed really well, but the best part was that she never took herself too seriously and was confident to laugh at herself whenever anything went wrong. But she never was really great at studying for the SATs.  She just felt that the test were not worth that much attention.  She had a point, but for the sake of the school and her report card, we plugged on with the studying.

Al last, when all the test were over and we had said our final goodbyes to the children on the last day of the summer term, I sat in my classroom feeling a little sad, a little relieved, a little excited for the holidays, and  a little lonesome for my class who were going on to bigger and more exciting adventures in Secondary School.

On my desk, I found a note:

“Dear Shireen,

I love me!  I love you too,

Love from N”

You see, it is that easy to believe you are fabulous without waiting for anyone to tell you so.